Hold On To The Nights
by Witchytara25
Summary: Draco has to choose between love and loyalty. Slash.
1. Hold On To The Nights

Title: Hold on to the Nights

Author: Barbara Graf

Summary: Will Draco be able to choose between what is right and what is loyalty?

Rating: PG-13 for Slash theme and mention of rape and incest.

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm not trying to make any money off of them or anything. Just another bored Harry Potter fan waiting for book 5 to come out.

A/N: This story contains SLASH themes. Meaning, I have written a story about two males in a relationship. If this makes you uncomfortable, please hit the back button on your computer now. If it doesn't, then read ahead. If you feel the need to flame me, take it somewhere else, I don't have the time for your prejudices. There is no sex in this story, as that will come in a later chapter. The song is "Hold on to the Nights," and it is sung by Richard Marx.

Dedication: For my Baby Lion. Thank you for always believing in me.   
  


_Just when I believe_

_I couldn't ever want for more_

_This ever changing world_

_Pushes me through another door_  
  


I lie here, staring up at the ceiling, wondering what else I could want out of life. I have everything I need right at the moment. The person I have loved, been in love with since I was 11 years old is lying right next to me, breathing a deep, even breath, sound asleep. I reach over and brush the hair off his forehead. He stirs and shifts in his sleep, for once not waking up with nightmares. I smile softly and sigh to myself, knowing that this happiness between him and I cannot last. 

I wonder if this happiness can ever last, what with what is expected of me. After all, he is the "Boy Who Lived," I am the son of a Death Eater. He is expected to fight in the war against Voldemort, I am expected to kill muggles and those who don't follow the rules of Voldemort. I couldn't want anything more than what I have now, which is the love of my life in my bed. I've always wanted this, even when I was hurtling insults at him.

I wince as a pain shoots through my arm, and I look down and see the angry mark of the death eater glowing red, meaning that Voldemort is calling for a meeting of all his loyal servants. Sighing, I want to ignore this message as this world of mine keeps pushing me through another door. I want to stay here, lie here in bed with Harry, but if I ignore it, I don't want to think of the consequences of what would happen if someone found me here, in bed, with Harry Potter.  
  


_I saw you smile, and my mind could not erase, _

_The beauty of your face_

_Just for awhile, _

_Won't you let me shelter you?_  
  


The first time I ever saw Harry Potter, I was 11 and we were sitting in Madam Markin's Robe Shop and I was droning on about Qudditch and something and I could tell he had no idea what I was talking about. I knew who he was, after all, what Wizard didn't know who Harry Potter was? He was the "Boy Who Lived," the only person who survived the Avdara Kadvra curse and who defeated Voldemort. I knew more than I wanted him to believe. He was the one person my father always said I had to be better than, and that if he had his way, he'd find that "Damn Harry Potter" and kill him. He said that someone like Harry didn't deserve to live and that we Malfoy's were better than Harry Potter's kind. I never understood what he meant by that, but now I realize that my father was jealous of Harry, and that even with all his wealth and power, he never had the one thing that Harry has, which was the respect of the Wizarding World. 

I tried to be his friend, but to be fair, I came across as pompous and an asshole, kinda like Ron's older brother, Percy. Except that Percy is an asshole and a pompous prick. I just wanted to be Harry's friend at first, to be able to show him what "my" kind of people were. But it wasn't meant to be. He was sorted into Gryfindor, I was put in Slytherin, which was expected of me. I watched him from afar, made his life a living hell. 

He hated me, and I made sure that he never knew my true feelings for him. I made sure that it seemed like I hated him. All I wanted to do was shelter him from everything, that he had enough hurt in his life and instead of helping him, all I did was make it worse. I teased him and made fun of him and always talked about him having "no proper family." I could tell those words stung him and I would do anything to take back all I said when I was 11. I wanted to shelter him from everything and all I ended up was being a pompous asshole.  
  


_Hold on to the night_

_Hold on to the memories_

_I wish that I could give you something more_

_And I could be yours_

I wince in pain as the mark glows more and more red. I have to hold on to the memories that Harry and I have made. I have to hold on to the nights we've shared. God Harry, how I wish I could give you all of me, that I could be totally yours, but I never can. I can't share with you that I'm a death eater, you'd never forgive me. You'd think that I'd deliberately do this to hurt you, to turn you over to Voldemort. Can't you understand the pain I'm going through, the anguish that this causes me? That I want to be totally yours, no one else's? I don't want to have this mark on me. This mark was a nice little present from my father when I turned 15, he put the Imperio Curse on me and had one of his Death Eater friends put the mark on me while Voldemort watched. I know what's expected of me. I'm expected to follow and be Voldemort's right hand man. I don't want that. I want to be yours, Harry. I wish that I could give you something more. I can't even give you me. I want to be yours forever.  
  


_How do we explain?_

_Something that took us by surprise_

_Promises in vain  
_  


I could never explain this to my father. How could I? This love completely took me by surprise, that I couldn't control it. I know what's expected of me. I'm supposed to be the next Voldemort, kill people just for the hell of it. Funny thing is, that at one time, its all I wanted. I wanted to make my father proud, to finally have his love and his respect. Funny thing is, now I know that I could never have it because of the fact that he doesn't know how to love.

Your love took me by surprise, Harry. I never expected you to come to me and tell me that you love me. It took me completely off guard and I couldn't even come up with a snappy come back. I just knew that I stood there with my mouth hanging open like an idiot. My mortal enemy, the one person I was raised to hate, is actually in love with me? The one person I've been in love with for the past 5 years, is actually telling me that he loves me? I couldn't say anything, but just stand there and stare at you. You? Harry Potter? Loved me? Draco Malfoy? The unlovable son of Lucius Malfoy? 

We made a promise that we would always be truthful with each other. That promise was in vain, because shortly after we declared our love to each other, my father gave me my sweet 16 birthday present, the mark of a death eater. I didn't want it, please believe that Harry. I didn't want my father to do this to me. He put me in the Imperio Curse and told me that if I screamed, he would kill me without a second thought. How could I tell you, Harry? You would never believe me if I told you it was forced upon me, like being raped. I tried to say no, but my father put a silencing charm on me also, so I couldn't speak. Then for another lovely gift, he decided that would be the night that he would rape me physically. I shudder and try to block out the memories that assault me. I push them out of my mind. I made a promise I couldn't keep. It was a promise in vain. I'm sorry, Harry, that this was the one thing that I could never tell you.  
  


_Love that is in real but in disguise_

_What happens now?_

_Do we break another rule?_

_And let our lovers play the fool_?

I don't know how 

To stop feeling this way  
  


I know that my love for you is real. After all, you don't love someone from the time your 11 until the time your 19. What happens to us now, Harry? Do I tell you and risk losing you for life? Or do I take a chance with my heart and open up, telling you everything. Do I break another rule? By going against the one rule of being a Malfoy, which is opening up and sharing your feelings. Do I break another rule and give my heart to you forever? 

I know how hard it was to keep everyone fooled. We've done it for a year now. Everyone thinks that Pansy Parkinson and I are dating, and even she keeps owling me, asking me when I'm going to come and see her. I can't stomach the thought of being with her. She makes me sick. She's such a conniving little witch and I hate her. I can't very well tell her what's going on, could I? I don't mind letting her play the fool, but you.......well, Harry, you're different. I want to tell you everything. I wish I could stop feeling this way about you. You deserve so much better than me, but you seem not to want anybody else but me. I don't know what to do. How can I stop feeling this way? Sometimes it would just seem so easy to kill myself, but I can't do that. How do I stop feeling this way? Will somebody please tell me?  
  


_Well, I think that I've been true to everybody else but me_

_And the way I feel about you makes my heart long to be free_

_Everytime I look into your eyes I'm helplessly aware_

_That the someone I've been searching for is right there_  
  


I know that everyone knows what I feel about you. Its not hard to read it on my face. I wish that my heart could be free, that I could be free to love you. But the only way that could happen is if my father would die, and I know that's about as likely to happen as me turning straight and marrying Pansy Parkinson. 

You look at me so trustingly Harry. Why? Why do you trust me? Why do you make my heart want to be free? Why when I look into your eyes I know I've found my soul mate? My true love? Why? Why do I love you like I do? Why do I know that if I'd let my heart be free, you would treasure it and never leave it go? Why do I know that the one person I've been searching for all my life is right in front of my face? Why is it the one person I love I can't love freely and without hesitation? Why? I want you Harry, I love you. More than anything. Hold on to the memories we've made Harry. 'Cause my destiny has been chosen for me, and I can't fight destiny. I know what I'm going to do tonight. Its going to cause people a lot of pain, but I know what I am going to do. The one thing I should've done in the beginning.   
  


A/N: Aha! A cliffhanger. I'm mean aren't I? *smiles evilly.* I can do that, I'm the author. If you liked it, please review. I will do another chapter if I get at least 5 reviews.


	2. Make It Real

Title: Make it Real

Author: Barbara Graf

Rating: PG-13 for language.

Summary: Draco makes a decision that changes his life forever.

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. They belong to J.K. Rowling and are hers. I'm just another bored Harry Potter fan waiting for the fifth book to come out. No harm is intended. Just wanna tell a story.

A/N: This is the sequel to "Hold on to the Nights." I'm here to tell you, this is once again SLASH. Meaning, it is the telling of a relationship between two males. If you do not like this type of writing, please hit the back button on your browser now, for I have no time for your prejudices or bigotry. If you feel that slash is horrible or sickening, then hit the back button now and if you choose to flame me, I will laugh, because flames are nothing but rubbish to me. The song is "Make it Real," and it's by the Jets.

Dedication: For my angel. Thank you for always being there for me and making me think I have some sort of talent.

*************************************************************************************

_Tonight it's been a year_

_We met each other here_

_Here I am, all alone_

_As thoughts of you go on_  
  


It's been a year since I've made the decision that changed my life forever. I mean, how often can one say that they've had to choose between love and loyalty.? Do you do what's right? Or do you do what your heart tells you to do? I'm alone at the place that we first met, Harry. The very first place. Do you remember when we were 11 and we first met in the robe shop? I knew who you were. I mean, what wizard didn't know who you were? We were brought up knowing you, that you were the "Boy Who Lived," or in the words of my father, "The Boy Who should've Died." My father hated you Harry, and from the time he heard you had survived the curse, he knew that you had to die, even if Voldemort never came back into power. He knew that he would make it his personal mission to kill you.

Enough thoughts about my father. I'd rather think about you. It's been a year since I last saw you, what with the war with Voldemort going on and on. I'm all alone again. Didn't think that it would be this hard, to let you go like this, to tell you everything that has happened. I'd rather think about you, than what I'm about to tell you. The memories come back to me of the night I told you everything that happened.

_ "Harry, I have something to tell you."_

_ "What is it, love?" you asked softly, your green eyes looking intently at me._

_ "Well, um......."_

_ "Tell me Draco." _

_ I hesitated and you saw the uncertainty across my face, and you came over and cupped my face in your hands, saying quietly, "Tell me."_

_ Instead of telling you, I just lifted up my shirt, showing you the mark of the Death Eater. You stared at it, intently for a moment and then looked at me, eyes full of suspicion and something else I couldn't identify. Was it hate, pity, understanding. You didn't say anything for a long moment, just stood there, staring at the mark._

_ "Tell me what your thinking, Harry. Please, don't stand there and stare at it, looking at it like you've never seen one. Snape has one, you've seen his."_

_ You didn't say anything for a long moment and I waited in fear for your response. "I swear, I didn't want this, it was a present for my father on my 16th birthday. I swear, I had no choice."_

_ Still, you said nothing._

_ "Harry, please," I pleaded, grabbing your arm and trying to make you understand. "Please, believe me."_

_ "Draco," Harry said quietly, green eyes unreadable, "You made me a promise you would tell me everything, that we would never keep anything from each other, but yet, when it came down to me, your like the rest, you just wanted to bed me so that you could turn me into Voldemort. Didn't you?"_

_ "No, Harry, don't ever think that, I love you." I felt the tears running down my cheeks. "You know I love you."_

_ "Do I? You couldn't trust me with this. I told you everything, all my hopes, dreams and fears, and yet, you couldn't tell me this? This is a big blow, Draco. A very big blow." You turned then at that moment, "Goodbye Draco."_

_ "Harry......wait, please, wait........can't we talk this out?"_

_ "There's nothing to talk about. Good Bye Draco."_  
  


I shake my head, trying to clear out the memories of our last goodbye. You moved out shortly after, not that I can blame you. I kick myself everyday, cursing myself everyday for not telling you right after it happened. I guess this is what I get, thinking that someone could love Draco Malfoy, the son of Lucius Malfoy, the son of a Death Eater. I guess that this is what I get. I wish that I could get rid of these thoughts of you, that I could go on with my life, but I can't. My thoughts of you keep going on.  
  


_Hear me crying out to you_

_You said, "never, never would I leave."_

_Here's a tear from me to you_

_And maybe it makes you hear me_  
  


I need you, Harry. I need you more than I ever thought I could need another person. You were everything to me. My heart hasn't been the same since you left. I thought that I was incapable of feeling, but you showed me that was wrong. I do have a heart, and you were my heart, my feeling, my everything. 

"Dammit," I think as a tear slips down my cheek. I hate you, Harry Potter, I hate you for making me realize I have feelings, that I am capable of loving another human being. I hate you, I hate you. But then again, I love you. Why can't you be here to realize everything I did was for you? I went and became a spy for Dumbledore, I put my life on the line to protect you. I turned against my father, I killed my own father for you. I watched you from afar, but yet, you've never even let me explain myself. Why is it I hate you but I love you at the same time? Why? Why can't I get you out of my system. Maybe the tears I'm crying will somehow reach you. I love you, why can't you love me back? Why?

  
  


_I loved you_

_You didn__'t feel the same_

_Though were apart_

_You're in my heart_

_Give me one more chance to make it real_

  
  


I loved you with everything that was inside me. You promised me that you would always love me, that nothing would ever tear us apart. And lord knows that we had enough against us to tear us apart. I guess you didn't feel the same. I guess that all the words whispered late into the night didn't mean anything to you. I guess they were all words. What else could explain why you walked out of my life without an explanation. You said that you would love me forever, and that nothing would tear us apart. I guess that it wasn't true. 

I've tried to rid myself of you, I'm not going to lie. I've slept with other men, I even slept with your best friend, Ron. It didn't do us any good, and he knew that I was just trying to replace you. He said that if anyone found out he had sex with his old nemesis, people would think he'd gone crazy. I would say the same thing, because I've gone crazy without you. I've slept with more men than I can count, and they haven't made up for you not being here. Your still in my heart, you still own my heart, and that will never change either. I love you, Harry Potter. Even though we've been apart for a long time, your still in my heart, can you please give me one more chance? Is there anyway you will ever come back to me?

  
  


___In a dream, you are here_

_You smile and hold me near_

_And in my heart, I__'ll pretend_

_That you are here again_

  
  


I had a dream that you came to me last night. You were as you were all those months before you walked out of my life, to go fight on the side of the Light. You came to me and held me, all without saying a word. You held me and kissed me and told me that you loved me and then you were gone again, a figment, a dream. I begged you to stay in my dream, but you just smiled and disappeared before I could stop you. I reached for you and you were gone. Why did you leave me, Harry? Why, once again, are you gone, still there, but just beyond my reach? Why can't I reach you?

I keep pretending that I'm fine, that all is right in my world. But its not. I have everything anyone could want out of life. I have money, good looks and friends......but all that means nothing if you don't have the one person who doesn't love you. I love you with everything that is me. My heart is only half. I know I'm not supposed to have feelings. After all, I am a Malfoy, a name I've come to detest. I don't want to be Lucius Malfoy's son.....I don't want to be known as the "Son of a Death Eater," I want to be known as something good. I want to be known as "Draco Malfoy, someone who's done something with his life. He turned out different than anyone ever expected." I want to be yours Harry, if you'll have me. 

  
  


___Hear me crying out to you_

_You said __"Never, never would I leave__"_

_Here__'s a tear from me to you_

_And maybe it will make you hear me_

  
  


I need you Harry. More than I ever thought I would need another person in my life. I always pretended that I hate you, and now, when I should hate you, I love you more than I thought it was possible to love another human being. Funny, hearing those words come out of Draco Malfoy's life. Human being and Draco Malfoy in the same sentence? You promised me forever, and I'll be dammed if I'm not going to hold you to it. You were the one who once told me you never thought you could trust another person after what your Uncle Vernon did to you that one night, so long ago. You said that it shattered your trust in everyone. You said that after Ron, I was the only other male you would ever trust. You said that I was the only person you could ever see yourself with.

I feel the tears running down my cheeks and I sigh, turning over and looking out the window at the night. The moon is so pretty and full tonight and in the distance, I hear a wolf howl, and I wonder if it's Remus. I shake myself and blink, trying to control the tears that are sliding down my cheeks. How could you leave me, goddamn it? How could you make promises you couldn't keep? I understand that you were hurt, but you never let me explain. Goddamn it, you never let me fucking explain what happened that night so long ago. I want to find you, but I'm afraid too. I'm afraid of rejection all over again. Funny, isn't it? I kill my father for you, I go and become a spy for Dumbledore, and yet, its still not going to bring you back to me. When does this pain end, Harry? When will you come back to me? When? 

I sit up in my bed, drawing my knees to my chest. I stare out the window and look at the moonlight. "Where are you, Harry?" I wonder out loud. When will you come home where you belong? When will you stop pretending? I have....After I met you, I never was Lucius Malfoy's son, because he was no kind of father to me. I was yours Harry, always and forever. Please hear me Harry, wherever you are, please hear me and come home to me. I hear the doorbell ring and glance at the Muggle clock that is by my bedside and wonder who could be ringing my doorbell at 4:30am. Sighing, I get up to answer it, wondering who it could be. 

  
  


A/N2: Cliffhanger! Ain't I evil? *smiles evilly* If your nice to the author, the author will respond. *Smiles sweetly* Please read and review. Flames aren't of any importance to me, as I will use them to make marshmallows. 


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